Lego Horses - D'oh

 The words everyone had anticipated blipped up on screen

“TOMORROW WE FIGHT”

There it was. The fight that we had all foresaw. No one knew what they’d be up against and it could well be the end for most of us. But still, we remained optimistic and hoped for a resolve of some sort.

Tomorrow seemed to take a while to get to. Perhaps because we all didn’t get much rest, which is foolish as you’d think that the best thing for them would be to rest up before the big fight. Most of them had stayed up the night spreading fear and noxious rumours of the one they were up against.

“I hear that he can kill you just by looking at you”

“it’s a death trap”

“He has poison tentacles and if he touches you, than you’re done for!”

“I heard that he has fangs and can turn you into a zombie by biting you”

“We’ll never make it out alive”

It would seem that the fight was futile.

The fight was at Lego lane, a name given to it for its colourful Lego-like pavement. I found a group of them at the foot of a statue. The statue was of a horse, feet flung up in the air like it was about to stomp onto you. Mixie, a young girl I’d become acquainted to was sitting right up under the giant hoofs. She seemed frightened, even though she had come dressed in her best armour. I greeted her and sat next to her awaiting our next command.    

I had noticed that most people hadn’t shown up. For the few who did, they seemed weak and smaller than usual, even though most of them were dressed in their best armour, welding their deadliest weapons.

After waiting for what seemed like hours a young boy came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. He was far too young to fight but he had a cross bow flung over his shoulder.

“I-i-it’s time” he stammered

To be continued…        

Lego Horses - Dogmatix

I hadn’t known him long. I don’t truly think I could say I knew him at all, but I enjoyed his company none the less.

You might think it an odd relationship, that two people could meet once a fortnight, spend a few hours sat side by side in comfortable silence, but we did.

I don’t know when it began precisely, it didn’t seem of great note when it started, but I know it was when I was still fairly new to the city, and the weather was fine, Sarah hadn’t bought me my wool coat yet, so I’d guess at around 18 months ago.

Like I said, I was new to the city. I’d asked for a transfer when I met Sarah, getting the Visa was no trouble and they were happy for me to make the move across the pond, and for the first time in a while, I think I was happy too.

Sarah would meet me for lunch most days, but not Tuesdays. Tuesdays Sarah worked in the deli and I had the hour to myself. At first I’d pick something up from the sandwich lady’s cart and eat it at my desk, but... I mean, there’s only so many weeks you can eat Ham and Mustard on white without growing bored, I didn’t want to be the cliché American, but I was a feeling a little home sick and I was dying for a Big Mac, so I took my first solo venture into the city. 5 minutes and £4 later, I was sitting on a bench outside Monument trying to juggle a copy of Private Eye I’d borrowed from a colleagues desk and a Coke, whilst my phone bleeped The Star Spangled Banner from my jacket pocket. I’d set the ring tone a few weeks earlier to bug Sarah’s older brother who’d mocked me for days about which side of the road to drive on and the correct spelling of colo(u)r, but It’d been bugging Sarah and I allot recently and this call was the final straw, and as unpatriotic as this may sound, The Star Spangled Banner had to go. The call was from Sarah, she’d found a couple of minutes to call me & check how I was doing, I got half way through answering when the Coke I was balancing between my knees began to slip spilling on my right foot, soaking my shoe and sock, I swore and of course Sarah thought I was swearing at her, she sounded upset before making an excuse and ending the call. My first solo trip in the city wasn’t going quite to plan. I heard a chuckle from the next bench, the old fellow sitting there seemed to find the situation I was in a little amusing, but having salvaged a little of my coke I was determined to finish what was left of my lunch. I couldn’t ignore the old bastard though, every time I looked up from my magazine, I could see him, looking at me, smiling, smiling, laughing, then I was laughing, the two of us roaring with laughter. Eventually he handed me a small towel from a leather satchel he’d had propped up by his feet, then still laughing and having not said a word disappeared around a corner.

Lego Horses - Fargo

INT: TWO TODDLERS SITTING IN A PLAY PEN, THEY BOTH HAVE A BOX OF LEGO EACH. TODDLER NUMBER ONE IS CALLED JIMMY THE OTHER IS THOMAS, THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A FEW MINUTES. IT’S A BRIGHT DAY OUTSIDE, WITH THE SUN BEAMING DOWN INTO THE LIVING ROOM IN WHICH THEY SIT, STILL GLARING AT EACH OTHER WITH GREAT INTENSITY, THEN WITH NO HESITATION THEY EMPTY THEIR LEGO BOXES, THEY THEN BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER A WRY SMIRK APPEARS ON BOTH THEIR FACES. AND RIGHT THEN AND THERE, WITHOUT ANY WARNING THEY BOTH BUILD THEIR LEGO HORSES.

THOMAS
Interesting, (contemplating the situation) very interesting. Jimmy we both have appeared to have created the horse.

JIMMY
It is indeed the case Thomas, (still smirking much like Simon Cowell does as he belittles the general public's sheer stupidity) what do u suggest?

THOMAS
I say we take this outside.

JIMMY
Are u thinking of a race of some kind?

THOMAS
You read my mind Thomas, I think a race would settle this?

JIMMY
(Looking confused)
Settle what?

THOMAS
(Confused also)
Erm……who had the better Lego, no, who has the better horse thingy thing.

JIMMY
Sounds good, but do you care to make this interesting?

THOMAS
Sounds intriguing, let me hear this proposition.

JIMMY
Who ever wins, gets to keep, yes keep as in forever the Kermit the Frog.

THEN THE KERMIT THE FROG STUFFED TOY COMES INTO SHOT, THEN THE SHOT GOES FROM THOMAS TO JIMMY THEN THOMAS TO JIMMY AGAIN BOTH LOOKING AS IF THE WHOLE WORLD HANGS IN THE BALANCE THEN THEY RELAX LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN WHICH TIME THEIR EYES HALF SHUT AS IF THEY REALLY MEAN IT.

THOMAS
Ok, it’s a deal.

THEY SPIT IN THEIR OWN HANDS THEN SHAKE.
THEY ESCAPE FROM THE PLAY PEN, AND OUTSIDE INTO WHAT STARTS OFF AS A USUAL SUBBURBAN GARDEN INTO THE WILD WEST WITH NOTHING BUT SANDY DESERTS AND CACTUS TREES, AND MOUNTAINS IN THE DISTANCE. THOMAS AND JIMMY ARE DRESSED LIKE COWBOYS WITH STETSONS ON THEIR HEADS AND PLASITC GUNS IN THEIR HOLSTERS WITH THE ORANGE TIPS. BUT THE LEGO HORSES REAMAIN EXACTLY HOW THEY ARE JIMMY CREATES A STARTING LINE WITH HIS FOREFINGER. HE LOOKS AT THOMAS FOR ACCEPTANCE. THOMAS NODD’S THAT THIS IS ACCEPTABLE TO HIM. BY THE SIDE OF THE START-LINE IS THE KERMIT THE FROG STUFFED TOY ON PLINTH WAITING FOR THEIR NEW OWNER.

JIMMY
So how many laps are u thinking?

THOMAS
(Sweating from his brow with the weight of the world on his shoulders)
Four laps

JIMMY
(Also beginning to perspire)
Four laps is a lot, but me and my horse can make it, we are gonna open a can of whoop ass on u bitch.

THOMAS
Oh you are are you, well myself and my horsey ain’t know each other long, but in the time we have, we have built up this bond, and this telepathic energy, we have got what it takes, (pulls out a match and puts it in his mouth and proceeds to chew) Kermit is ours and ours to take.

JIMMY
(Looking anxious pulls out his dummy from the top pocket of his shirt)
Enough of this small talk let the action commence.

THEN THE ACTION MAN APPEARS WITH A GUN READY TO SHOOT FOR THE START OF THE RACE. THOMAS AND JIMMY GET INTO THEIR POSITIONS. ACTION MAN LOOKS AT THEM BOTH, THEY BOTH NOD, AND THEN FIRED HIS GUN.
THEY BOTH SHOOT OFF AT A FAST PACE, THEY ARE LEVEL MOST OF THE FIRST LAP, THOMAS TAKES OVER HALFWAY THROUGH THE SECOND LAP AND INTO THE THIRD, THEN JIMMY WHIPS HIS LEGO HORSE COUNTLESS TIMES AND BEFORE THE THIRD LAP FINISHES OVERTAKES JIMMY.
JIMMY ALMOST BREATHLESS LOOKS LIKE HE CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE, THOMAS NOTICES THIS SIGN OF WEAKNESS AND WITH SOME HARSH THUDDING ON HIS LEGO HORSE OVERTAKES JIMMY AT THE MOST CRUCIAL MOMENT IN THE FOURTH LAP AND GALLOPS OVER THE FINISH LINE. THERE ARE SOUND OF APPLAUSE WUITE WHERE THERE COMING FROM IS UNKNOWN TO THIS DAY.
THOMAS LOOK REALLY HAPPY WITH HIMSELF PATS HIS LEGO HORSE. JIMMY PULLS UP BESIDE HIM LOOKING MORE THEN UPSET.

JIMMY
(Through gritted teeth)
Well played my friend it was a tough battle out there.

THOMAS
(Looking overly chuffed)
Indeed it was, I have always heard that’s its best to be dignified in situations like this but fuck it.

THOMAS RAISES HIS MIDDLE FINGER, THEN JIMMY CRIES. BARBIE THEN APPEARS AS IF FROM NOWHERE AND PRESENTS THOMAS WITH KERMIT THE FROG. MORE APPLAUSE. THEN A VERY BAD SMELL ARISES WHICH MAKES BARBIE RUN OFF CRYING ASKING FOR KEN, AND ACTION MAN TAKE HIS OWN LIFE WITH A SAWN-OFF SHOTGUN. AFTER THE EXPLOSION OF ACTIONS HEAD, JIMMY NOTICES THE CULPRIT OF THE SMELL, ITS COMING FROM THOMAS’ ANUS. LAUGHING WITH GREAT PLEASURE AND SMUGNESS HE SHOUTS:

JIMMY
You shat yourself you fat ass.

JIMMY IS IN A FIT OF LAUGHTER WHILE THOMAS IS CRYING AT AN VERY HIGH VOLUME. THEN THE WILD WEST SCENE DISSOLVES AND THOMAS MUM APPEARS IN THE SUBURBAN GARDEN PICKING THOMAS UP.

THOMAS MUM
Come on lets change this dirty botty.

THOMAS CRYING AND LOOK BASHFUL DROPS KERMIT THE FROG AND JIMMY TOTS OVER STILL ON HIS LEGO HORSE LOOKING PLEASED WITH HIMSELF PICKS KERMIT UP AND RAISES HIM HIGH IN THE AIR AND TROTS OFF ON HIS LEGO HORSE BACK IN THE WILD WEST SUNSET PICKING UP BARBIE ALONG THE WAY.

Lego Horses - Phillip Charles

I remember

I remember the days. The good old days. Those days when I could get a return ticket on the bus. When a smile was real. When the sun shine erupted in the Summer and retreated on those crisp, frosty Winter morns. Ice poles. When cider was made with apples. When a Happy Meal made me happy, when children were content to sit and play with lego horses, when we had respect for politicians and our ruler was on the front line. I remember when 10p crisps cost 10p. I remember football as a game, not a business, and when Ipswich Town were good. I remember waiting for Santa. I remember randomly knocking for people hoping they were in. I remember 3.5. I remember you.

Lego Horses - Richard Charles

They will never change
Pretty, yet pretty useless

Like Lego horses

Lego Horses - Scott French

Feeling a little horse. Block it out

Finito.

- John Travolta, est. 1786

Lego Horses - Jow Bates

Each movement smacked of frustration and awkwardness. As his bulky frame clicked across the studded paddock he drew cold glares from passers by. His reply was met of distaste as his blank plastic stare was to be considered a unwelcoming gesture by the new family he had already come to distrust. His stiff synthetic mane was brushed enthusiastically by the young girl and he stifled the desire to move, standing instead, stock still, feet entwined with the ground. His stalwart brethren clicked gracefully as they cantered across the bumpy ground. "Aspire to be like them" he thought, you're from the same pack after all.

With fictile herd together ride,
On studded grass and plastic tide.
With lock unto each step to ground,
Cast built up stride on cantered sound.
Stray turgid mane and blocked recourse,
With each step clicks a Lego Horse.