Alcoholic - Jow Bates

He fell deeper into his drink, ever the romantic. Casting chary glances through the amber prism of his glass towards the would-be soul mate that had just sat down. His tired, red eyes cried out for her, he'd never felt so far away from someone so close to him. 

Rubbing stale cigarette smoke from the weary creases of his languished face, Darren rose. He staggered, lopsidedly as his addled body limped away from him, his walk unfolding itself across the room like a broken concertina. 

Darren found himself outside, rain drumming down on him from the ebony blanket of clouds above. His hands a mess of spent cigarette and rain dappled papers, head pressed hard into the wall of the pub. He stared openly at her through the warm, lustrous inebrium of the tavern window. 

"I love you." He mouthed to the young girl.

The window steamed up as he did so, his words gamboling inefficaciously off the glass. Darren slid down the wall, his slumped body exhaling a symphony of melancholic afterthought. 

The rain woke him again, confused and alone. Splintered shadows casting playful penumbra over unfamiliar surroundings. Darren felt sick, this was the first time he'd been this close to her, she was beautiful.

Ever the romantic.

Alcoholic - Fargo

Mary
Your killing yourself Albert.

SAID MARY THE DOG

Albert
Woof…woo….wooof! Excuse my belch, but who the fuck do you think you are telling me I’m killing myself.

REPLIED ALBERT THE DOG.

Mary
I’m your concerned girlfriend, we have been together for ages, at the beginning of the week, when we first met, you were fine, we went on long walks around the park pissed up trees together, but when Wednesday hit I found you in this state.

Albert
In what state (growl) may that be?

Mary
In a dark ally in the middle of the night with your head stuck in a barrel of ale.

Albert
I have no idea what your talking about, I’m just enjoying a well deserved beverage is all. Woof woof!

Mary
This is the third night running Albert, your killing yourself don’t you see that.

Albert
Leave me alone, I want some me time, I haven’t been on a walk by myself for days, I can’t remember what it feels like to be single, your always behind me sniffing my arse. Maybe in the past I enjoyed the tickle of your long nose around the rim of my anus, but not anymore. Ask yourself this Mary, is it your fault I have hit the bottle. Its no coincidence that you have been crowding me asking for puppies never leaving my side that I choose now to find something to relieve the stress and pressure that you have given me!

Mary
(Howl) How dare you blame me for this, you have said some hurtful things these last few days but this certainly takes the doggy treat! You promised me puppies on Monday there was no pressure from my end at all!

Albert
I would of said anything at the start to get you into my basket!

Mary
Be careful Albert I will walk away, I will go and never come back!

Albert
I don’t care, I can lick my own penis! I don’t need you!

Mary
Dam you, I want to help you, I don’t want to see you take your own life!

Albert
I won’t, if you leave me I will stop, woof! I just need to find who I am again!
Mary
It’s gone too far now its been four days, you need professional help. I can take you now to see Howard, I have informed him of the situation.

Albert
Howard, (growl) I’m not offloading any of my problems to a cat. I’m no pussy! 

Mary
No you’re an Alsatian , a man who up until a few days ago would of done anything for anyone, and enjoyed the smaller things like long walks, big pieces of meat, and quickie in a bush. But now look at you, stuck in a dark ally the bad end of town with his face full of ale and stinking of piss. This isn’t you and you know that, and I know that more then anyone.

ALBERT SITS AND HOWLS AND THINKS DEEPLY OF THE WORDS JUST SPOKEN TO HIM OF WHOM HE ONCE THOUGHT WAS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.

Albert
I’m so sorry Mary. I will come to see Howard, do you forgive me.

Mary
I’m not gonna lie, its gonna take time, but I love you Albert, if you stay of the booze then I’m all yours again.

Albert
Oh Mary, wooooof woof!! I love you, take me to Howard but first…..

ALBERT LOOKS AT MARY THEN POINTS WITH HIS NOSE THE AREA OF HIS PENIS AND SMIILES AT MARY.

Mary
Oh Albert your lipstick is out.

Albert
Lick it Mary, lick my lipstick ,and then my balls.

Mary
You naughty dog! Ruff Ruff!!! 

MARY DOES THIS MUCH TO THE PLEASURE OF ALBERT. THEN THEY START WALKING.

Albert
Tomorrow we try for puppies. 

Mary
Albert I love you. Let make it the day after you have to prove to me your off the booze first!

Albert
Of course Mary, anything for you. But just one thing, please don’t tell any of my gang that I was saved by a pussy called Howard!

Mary
You have my word! Woof woof!

TWO WEEKS LATER:
A PREGNANT MARY WAKS UP A DARK ALLY TO FIND A DRUNK ALBERT.

Mary
What the woofing fucking is going on here?

THE LADY AND THE DRUNK!

Alcoholic - Scott French

Hey, thats not me maaaan.

fin

Alcoholic - Beau

It started out as a way to be accepted
I guess I had a confidence issue, but didn't address it
I was fine until puberty hit, then things changed
Peers surpassed me physically while I stayed the same

I was used to being the best, but then I changed schools
My lack of self confidence was likely the fuel
Going from amazing to average probably fed the flame
Going from 200 students to 2,000 made me feel plain

So I decided I'd stand out in the easiest way
By drinking before class every single day
And exaggerate the extent of my inebriation
Not realising my alcoholism was becoming nascent

Now, 11 years later, I can't wake up without being sick
I need a drink to not puke; miserable, isn't it?
If you think you have a drinking problem, sort it before you're fucked 
And I can fix my problem, but it starts with me waking up

Dusty Eyes - Jow Bates

Beneath the shutters, 
Stuttered sunlight musters,
Dusty eyes reflecting mica,
Broken glare of morning light, 
A golden speck of hazel iris,
Must be... Early risers.


Nothing to do today, I just wanted to see you.

*****

YOUR LIFE - WALKTHROUGH
1. Early perspective fractures reason, so don't make any decisions. 
2. Coffee's on, pick a song to get changed to.
3. Switch on the Playstation.
4. Absent mindedly check the fridge, you're not hungry.
5. Have another coffee, the fog's bound to clear soon.
6. Think about tidying, while start up times render your escapism.
7. Decide it's not the best time to make that phone call.
8. Lose a few hours to freestyling narrative onto an underdeveloped storyline, doesn't matter which.
9. Coffee's gone cold, drink it anyway.
10. Getting up was a terrible idea, go back to bed.
Congratulations, you have now completed your day.

*****

It started out simpley enough, an exchange of witticisms, a cleverly guised commentary on social deviance illuminated by the off colour use of its own relavent linguistics, I never thought it would actually take hold. This had to be a joke, surely people didn't take this sort of thing seriously, did they? I mean really, a fucking swear box? It had ruined the office dynamic as far as I was concerned; 20-bollocking-p for every off-the-twatting-cuff remark I wanted to fucking make. There goes sponti-shitting-nuity, and had it cleaned up my language?- Fuck no. Infact it seemed to be considerably worse. This an irony not least highlighted by the £4.20 I'd managed to piss away attempting to defend my freedom of fucking speech. Fractured reason viewed through dusty eyes, no room for growth here, idiots.

*****

I wish my brain worked the way it used to.

Dusty Eyes - Fargo

A ROOM OVER LOOKING THE WINTERY MOORS OF DEVON. A MAN IS STTING STARING OUT THE WINDOW. NOTHING AN NOBODY THERE APART FROM HIM. HE IS SITTING ON A CHAIR WITH A CHEAP LOOKING SILVER BOX ON HIS LAP. HE CUDDLES THIS AS IF IT WERE A FIVE YEAR OLD EMBRACING A TEDDY BEAR.
HE PULLS OUT AN IPOD FROM HIS POCKET AND THEN STANDS PLAYS A SONG AND LEAVES THE ROOM.
HE IS NOW WALKING FROM A DESERTED BUILDING ALONG THE LONELY MOORS. THE WIND IS GROWING WITH EVERY STEP HE TAKES TO THE HIGHEST POINT OF THE MOORS. IT’S A STUGGLE WALKING AND FIGHTING AGAINST THE WIND AS HE NEARS THE TOP. AFTER WHAT SEEMS LIKE HOURS FINALLY HIS DESTINATION IS REACHED. HE LOOKS AND TAKES THIS BEAUTIFUL VIEW IN. HE LOOKS AROUND, THERE IS NOTHING AND NO ONE. HE SMILES AND THEN SITS ON THE MUDDY GRASS.
HE PLACE THE SILVER BOX NEXT TO HIM.


Man
You told me this was your favourite place to go. Whenever you were lonely, or sad, you would come here. Even when you were happy and wanted to celebrate news or whatever, you would come here. I never used to understand why, I always thought of this place as a sad lonely lost place, but I have never seen the beauty in this world as you always did. It’s amazing, I wish we could of spent more time together here. I guess now its too late. But I will come here every week, happy or sad and think of the way you used to come and spend time here with your friends and Alice of course, and how happy you must have been. I hope that will bring me comfort, and wherever you are now, I hope you can feel close to me. 


THERE IS A NOISE, HE STANDS UP AND LOOKS AROUND, HE WALKS A FEW YARDS AND DOWN THE HILL HE SEES THE DEAD CARCASS OF A SHEEP, AND NEXT TO IT, IS ANOTHER SHEEP, THE OTHER SHEEP ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE ITS CRYING. THIS BRINGS A TEAR TO HIS EYE. HE WALKS BACK OVER TO THE BOX AND SITS. THE WIND GROWS STRONGER.


Man
A father should never see the death of their son. But here am, with you, having lost you. Only 21. I hope I was a good Dad. There were times we didn’t get on, and times that you must of hated me, for that I’m sorry. But I hope you can forgive me for any of my wrong doings. I want you to know that I’m going to miss you so much, word can’t describe it. I love you, you were my beautiful boy. (Starts to sing the John Lennon song)
Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monsters gone
He’s on the run and your Daddy’s here
Beautiful, beautiful,beautiful
Beautiful boy


HE WIPES AWAY THE TEARS IN HIS EYES AND STANDS WITH THE BOX IN HIS HANDS.


Man
So this is goodbye. You will be forever in my heart. A moment won’t pass that I won’t think about you. I know you would want me to carry on, be happy. That’s the last thing you said to me was, be happy. Well then you said hope you get lucky and pork her, but that was how you were, and I loved every bit of you. (Lifts the lid of the box) I will see you again Toby, when its my time, I know you will be waiting for me. Goodbye son, see you soon.


AS HE IS ABOUT TO THROW HIS SONS ASHES A HUGE GUST OF WINDS STRIKES, HE THEN THROWS THE ASHES AND THE WIND VIOLENTLY MAKE THE ASHES FIND THEIR WAY INTO HIS EYES HE CAN’T SEE A THING, HE STRUGGLES WITH THE PAIN, AND FALLS. HE CONTINUES TO FALL DOWN THE HILL AND ROLLS AND TWISTS IN ALL SORTS OF POSISTIONS. HE LANDS NEXT TO THE DEAD SHEEP, WITH THE ALIVE ONE THERE ALSO. HE TAKES HIS LAST FEW BREATHS AND DIES. THE SHEEP CRIES.


MAN SEES A DOOR STANDING ALONE IN THE MOORS JUST A DOOR. THE DOOR SAYS, WELCOME CAREFULL DRIVERS. HE WALKS ROUND THE DOOR, BUT THERE IS NOTHING ON THE OTHER SIDE. AFTER A MINUTE IT OPENS. TOBY COMES OUT.


Toby
Hi Dad, you did say that I’d be the death of you.


Man
Irony. I’m not sure I like it.


Toby
Well this happened quicker then I thought.


Man
No time for jokes Toby I’m a little shaken up.


Toby
(Smiles)
Well it’s going to get even better.


Man
How do you mean?


Toby
(Smiles)
Your never gonna believe what’s behind this door.


Man
Why, what is it?


Toby
Follow me and take a look.


TOBY WALKS IN AND HIS FATHER FOLLOWS. THE DOOR SHUTS. THE SHEEP CRIES.


FADE TO BLACK.

Dusty Eyes - Pumpkin Sheepshanks

Dusty eyes haiku
Control a delete again
Need better titles

Dusty Eyes - Beau

The excuse he used
After Simon Cowell left
Was dust in his eyes


What a homo.

Dusty Eyes - Philip Charles

Imagine the change.
The spring fades with the petals.
My hearts dusty eyes.

Dusty Eyes - Philip Farmer Banham

Dusty eyes from today, feels like a long one. Awake at silly o’clock and it still seems to be. Essays done with to many hours at computer screens gone blank, followed with water rippled by tree overhang. Dusty eyes today and tomorrow’s early start to repeat. Forget a holiday, I need an optician. A giant one. With tentacles. In fact, keep the optician, give me an octopus. They’re multitudinous in tentacles, and brain cells. Shame same cant be said about the eye front, but this is why i invented spiders. They make a good stand in, what with having eight legs and eight eyes. Too many eights make Nintendo... 

Dusty Eyes - John Browski

A lot of the time, I used to get dusty eyes because I'd go and buy records from old dusty shops. I'd spend hours going through the record racks, inevitably finding copies of the grease OST or mantovani albums, or at least one Cliff Richard single. The time i spent looking through dusty shelves could have been spent doing many weeks-worth of other things. Even when I'd go on holiday, whoever i was with would be endlessly dragged through the grimier parts of the city to find a run-down record shop, or music shop, or charity shop where there MIGHT be record. my spidey-sense could search them out easily. I'd like to start again, but i fear i'm too old. on top of that, i've got most of the records i ever wanted, and i can't see why getting more would be a bonus, unless it was something really special. Would you believe that i have too many records to comfortably fit into a garage? since those halcyon days, I've changed my approach. now i can find stuff online, and i don't have so m much. not to put too much of a downer on things, but my eyes tend to water over different things now, and my attention is taken up uch of a disposable income, or time in which to go record shopping, I don't suffer from dusty eyes sowith other matters.

Catnip - Pumpkin Sheepshanks

"Ow this is hurting me" Adam complained.
"How" asked Niamh
"I think your pussy's too tight" Adam responded

The third world war had just started. Not World War 3, but just the third war being waged in the world at one time. Everyone is fucking screwed. Literally. With word's. 

Adam rolled off and reached for a packet of cigarettes on the bedside table, knocking over his lovers funky looking lampshade in the process and making a crashing sound as it hit the hard laminate floor he mumbled apologies through a cigarette hanging the wrong way out of his mouth. Niamh reached for her lovers t shirt from the floor with her foot protruding out form under the flowery print duvet. putting it on, she stood up and turned the light on revealing her newly decorated bedroom. after 2 days of rolling paint, she decided she wasn't too fond on apple green. 
"Do you have a lighter" Adam asked.
"Yes, next to the crack pipe"
"Since when have you been doing crack?" 
"Since the same time as i've been needing a lighter." Niamh faded out as she closed the bathroom door behind her as adam continued his hunt for a lighter. Finding one, he reclined back on the bed triumphantly, like a lion after the kill, pleased with his first conquest, and now enjoying the benefits of his second. 
Coming back into the room with a mischievious look in her eye, Niamh jumped onto her man not noticing the cigarette. punching him square in the balls, Adam exhales unexpectedly causing a painful burning sensation in his throat. 
"You should give up, it makes you smelly" Niamh said matter of factly.
"A winner never quits and a quitter never wins." came the reply.

Catnip - Dogmatix

Dogmatix - Catnip (Fuck you)

“Nepeta cataria is mostly used as a recreational substance for pet cats' enjoyment”
- Wikipedia 

A recreational substance for pet cats? I wonder if they can develop a habit, or is it purely psychological? 

Is it moral to give cats recreational drugs? 

Does it work on Lions? 

(Editorial note: Don’t Google “Does catnip work on lions?”  when you have 45 minutes to write a piece, as though the articles you find are interesting, you end up waisting the first 20 minutes of your writing time... and yes it does work on lions, also on tigers, leopards, cheetahs etc)

A couple of years ago, Friend A planted some baggies of catnip in Friend B’s house. He put 2 or 3 baggies in some fairly conspicuous places and the following day the father of Friend B found the baggies, a week long comic situation followed, with friend B’s father worrying about his sons recreational drug habit. It was definitely a “Catnip Fuck You!”  moment between friend’s A & B, pretty funny though.

Bag On The Sofa

Nepeta Cataria

A Catnip Fuck You

Catnip - D'oh

Catnip? Fuck you Jow
What a terrible title 
I’m going to bed

Catnip - Richard Charles

The terrace drew and embraced the mid-day sun, but was cool with the breeze. The view was stunning. I cast an eye over over the lake, and watched the men bathing, women washing and children playing. Their squalor was evident, but their happiness was enviable. The methodic drone of drilling resumed not far away, and I scanned around, capturing the scenes of everyday life, absorbing the warmth of the people I watched.
I saw the children running back to her, on time as always, and wondered where they’d earned last hour’s pay. How they earnt it was obvious, their hands and forearms were streaked with shoe polish which they instantly set about washing off in the ditch that trickled next to the road, behind their ragged tarpaulin shack. I could see their mum’s smile that they were home safe but pain in her eyes with how little they had made. She sent the smallest one off down the road, and upon her return a few moments later they sat around the plate of rice dhal and ghee. They were living as the poorest of the poor, the mother spot-ridden, unable to move as her arms had seemingly long ago given up supporting her whole body weight. I can only guess how she lost her legs. Yet this women’s love and kindness for all around almost glowed from her. I saw her take the small bundle that her daughter just brought back from the shop, and chuck some catnip at each of the strays that were sprawled around the family. She and I both knew the family would be hungry when they went to sleep tonight, yet she still felt compelled to care for the cats around her. She looked up and caught my eye, as I sipped on my Lassi, and the guilt in me must’ve been apparent. Yet she flashed those teeth with the purest smile I’ve ever seen; at that moment I stopped liking Karla and started to love her.

Catnip - Jow Bates

Solidly dispensed emerald fauna

"Dave, you can't eat catnip." Declared Ryan.

"Of course you can, it's a mint." Countered Dave

Mint.

This cat's behaving peculiarly

Blud, you got any of that 'catnip'?

Keep it down man.

This was getting out of hand, the place was a fucking mess, the living room was full of strangers and all of them were off their heads. 

"What am I supposed to do?" 

An unfamiliar face was pressed up against the window, looking inwards and miming "I'll come round the back", this was too much. 

Don't look down, you'll lose your mind.

THIS CATNIP IS FUCKING INTENSE

"I'm sick of all these fucking racists!" Shouted Tinsley, knocking over a stack of CD's as he threw himself onto the sofa.

"They're just ignorant man, don't worry about it." Responded Ralph.

The two of them sat for a while in silence before the surmounting tension broke and Tinsley started up again.

"Who the fuck do they think they are? Who the fuck do the think I am?"

"I don't know mate."

"They treat me like a fucking spastic."

Ralph decided not to reply and quiet briefly descended over the pair once again. Tinsley sighed as the silence slowly diffused his mood.

"Do you want something to drink?"

"Nah, thanks. Did you tidy up?"

"Yeah a little bit. Did you want something else?"

"You got any mint?"

Catnip - Beau

When I was younger, I used to do drugs
It was my recreation
But sometimes I couldn't get people to buy
Me booze at the petrol station

So I turned to weed, which was easy to find
It made shitty programs seem funny
The only slight problem with smoking herb, though
Is that to get it, you need some money

So one day I realised I had no more cash
The situation was dramatic
Until a friend recommended to me
To smoke a bowl of catnip

I was skeptical, as most would be
And there's a good reason for this
That shit didn't work; that friend was a jerk
I think he was taking the piss