Even when I was a toddler I was nerdy. I used to ask my mum to make me flashcards to learn new words on. She had to buy more paper we went through so many. When I could read more fluently my chosen books were encyclopedias and I spent Sunday afternoons flicking through our Longman's copy, a book so heavy I couldn't lift it. After finding something interesting, I'd follow all the cross-references until I had enough to make a project out of it. Whales; Copernicus; Hieroglyphs - I covered them all. My project on whales featured a small A5 booklet, with messy little pictures of whales and all the facts about the different types and why they were going extinct. I recently googled whales and discovered another kid with my same name, doing her own online project trying to save them. That made me very happy, like I didn't have to defend myself on that front anymore, at least. Copernicus was another favourite, where I remember making the front cover of this A4 booklet by doing stripes of different-coloured crayon and then covering over in black and etching out his name and the orbiting planets. There is no word for this other than geektastic. I was a little researcher in the making.
Then there was the maths. My mother is convinced it's because I liked to bake and balance out the weights and measures, but it's more likely it's the pay-off that got me, grinning at the ticks and furrowing my eyebrows to fathom out the crosses. I love it. Not realising that I was ingraining in myself an innate understanding of indices at a young age, I used to sit and double 2 until I had sums too long to fit onto a piece of paper. I work in a school, in a maths department, and I'd probably feel sorry for any kids I saw doing that.
17 years on and I've found the world doesn't find all this quite as whimsically adorable as I'd hope. Starting off doing a maths degree and then switching to History has lead to years of questions on the topic. "But why?", people ask. Working in a high school means topic often comes to degree choices, the mathematicians assuming that anything other than Maths, Science, Medicine or Law makes you a lightweight. History is often mentioned in passing along with other 'unworthy' subjects like "Art, or Media Studies". If I was a cat, my hackles would be up. But it's easier to stay quiet than to defend, mostly. When we go to school we are encouraged to enjoy and excel in as many subjects as possible. In the outside world, people want you to stick to one thing, it seems.
For all that I adore studying Maths, it saddens me that so many mathematicians view it this way. Historians seem much better; "yes", they say, "mathematicians are geeky, but they are worthy". Historians have to have a huge amount of self-belief to weather all the comments like "Gosh, all those facts to remember!", a phrase which only serves to emphasise why people rarely learn from their own mistakes - facts yes, but the analysis, the pondering, trying to understand the other side, that's why people choose to devote years to studying History.
So at work, I live with my apologia for History. In the outside world, I live with my apologia for Maths. It's always a bit embarassing explaining you find maths really, really fun. Responses include: gobsmacked looks; my nan's favourite of "oh yes I was always good at arithmetic too dear"; and another classic upon telling someone about my apparently paradoxical love of History and Maths - "I'm glad you studied History though, that's what makes you interesting!" After this, I understand why my Maths teacher at Sixth Form used to tell people she did Psychology instead. Much easier. Anything sounds better than Maths when strangers strike up a conversation with you.
The facts of the matter are this: I adore studying History and trying to see something in a way no one else has ever seen. And I adore studying Maths, having to be creative in solving problems and seeing the world from this other mechanical and precise view point. I love them both. They don't match up but I don't mind that. And the older I get, the clearer my reasons become. And that's what means I don't mind defending myself for it.
The first thing I found when wiki-ing this was the example, "The finest apologia of what drives a man to devote his life to pure mathematics". This piece could never be described as such, but in 45 minutes it's the best I've got.
Then there was the maths. My mother is convinced it's because I liked to bake and balance out the weights and measures, but it's more likely it's the pay-off that got me, grinning at the ticks and furrowing my eyebrows to fathom out the crosses. I love it. Not realising that I was ingraining in myself an innate understanding of indices at a young age, I used to sit and double 2 until I had sums too long to fit onto a piece of paper. I work in a school, in a maths department, and I'd probably feel sorry for any kids I saw doing that.
17 years on and I've found the world doesn't find all this quite as whimsically adorable as I'd hope. Starting off doing a maths degree and then switching to History has lead to years of questions on the topic. "But why?", people ask. Working in a high school means topic often comes to degree choices, the mathematicians assuming that anything other than Maths, Science, Medicine or Law makes you a lightweight. History is often mentioned in passing along with other 'unworthy' subjects like "Art, or Media Studies". If I was a cat, my hackles would be up. But it's easier to stay quiet than to defend, mostly. When we go to school we are encouraged to enjoy and excel in as many subjects as possible. In the outside world, people want you to stick to one thing, it seems.
For all that I adore studying Maths, it saddens me that so many mathematicians view it this way. Historians seem much better; "yes", they say, "mathematicians are geeky, but they are worthy". Historians have to have a huge amount of self-belief to weather all the comments like "Gosh, all those facts to remember!", a phrase which only serves to emphasise why people rarely learn from their own mistakes - facts yes, but the analysis, the pondering, trying to understand the other side, that's why people choose to devote years to studying History.
So at work, I live with my apologia for History. In the outside world, I live with my apologia for Maths. It's always a bit embarassing explaining you find maths really, really fun. Responses include: gobsmacked looks; my nan's favourite of "oh yes I was always good at arithmetic too dear"; and another classic upon telling someone about my apparently paradoxical love of History and Maths - "I'm glad you studied History though, that's what makes you interesting!" After this, I understand why my Maths teacher at Sixth Form used to tell people she did Psychology instead. Much easier. Anything sounds better than Maths when strangers strike up a conversation with you.
The facts of the matter are this: I adore studying History and trying to see something in a way no one else has ever seen. And I adore studying Maths, having to be creative in solving problems and seeing the world from this other mechanical and precise view point. I love them both. They don't match up but I don't mind that. And the older I get, the clearer my reasons become. And that's what means I don't mind defending myself for it.
The first thing I found when wiki-ing this was the example, "The finest apologia of what drives a man to devote his life to pure mathematics". This piece could never be described as such, but in 45 minutes it's the best I've got.
Quality, you're excellent at relaying feelings of nostalgia, you express a clear sense of self really well and fantastic imagery, again. Loved it.
ReplyDelete